~Alone~

I have been doing some thinking lately. I have this fear, this constant state of fear that I am going to end up alone. As I write this I am sitting here, alone; ironically. Loneliness haunts me. I feel that I will one day end up in a place where no one will know who I am or my story that I have to tell. As an introvert this adds to my bucket of contradictions that is myself. It doesn't make any sense you say? I know. Let me explain.

Let me set up my scenario: I'm 23 yrs. old, single, soon to be a college grad with a bright future; and so many options. But; (here it comes)...since we live in the technology age; I see on facebook and twitter and other social media sites that everyone is pairing up; like they are getting ready for another Noah's ark. I'm left sitting here wondering what I did wrong. It's even worse when your friends start pairing up and going before God and committing themselves to marriage. I feel left out; like there was a memo I missed that was announced while I was sleeping; and someone forgot to pass it on. I have also watched people before my own eyes fall head over heels for someone else. It hurts and it just fuels my fear. I'm just everyone's friend and no one's date.

On top of it all; I have a fear of being forgotten. I don't want to be the one that you run into the mall a few years down the road and we have that awkward encounter and I have to clarify it. Hi, it's me; Kim. We-used-to-be-best-friends-then-you-got-attached-and-left-me-out-in-the-dust-hanging-out-to-dry type conversations. Being forgotten and alone would be my ultimate humiliation. It'd be worse than being invisible. Being invisible would be pretty sweet; because then I could haunt people and scare the crap out of them...off topic.

Since this is a list type blog I feel that I need to make one. My "J"ness is telling me to do so. (also because it's the title)

My weirdness and thoughts on this subject that don't fit really anywhere but here:

1. Why is it that perfectly good humans fall for those who they can't have? Human nature right?
2. Why is that I am still single?
3. I'm quirky and awkward. Is that a turn-off?
4. I'm organized, a bucket full of contradictions.
5. I care.
6. I'm willing to bend over backwards for others who have "relationship" issues but my advice is coming from somewhere; because I haven't experienced it yet.
7. If I end up lonely and forgotten; I can't become a cat lady..I'm allergic to cats and I think cats are icky...Dogs? Fish? Birds? Not really much of an animal person....Maybe I'll be that type of person who devotes everything to their work..workaholic...I could see that happening.
8. It'll save me from an abusive relationship or one that is bound to fail to begin with...Guess that's a positive??
9. I'd love to start a family..I've been told that I would be a good mother, and I love kids. 
10. I love to cook for people....can't be alone and do that....
11. Sometimes I just need to vent; blogging and all that could be helpful but there are some things that you don't put on the internet..such as..Hey! I have lice. (long story)..venting to people that I know is good.. positive feedback and support...Comments on a blog? Not much support. 
12. My anxiety would be come better if I was with someone..They could help me through it; and find ways to keep my mind occupied so that it doesn't go crazy.
13. One of my love languages is physical touch and the other is quality time...that doesn't happen 
14. 
    

Maybe I should just work on this: 

Thanks for reading. You have helped me not be alone or forgotten.